I have heard so many pithy or extensive perspectives on meeting the "one" that I cringe every time I hear a new one. These methods people have to meet the "one" are faulty because divorce rates are still high ("Divorce rate") as of 2008. I am a firm believer in marrying once until death do us part. Any guy can love multiple women, but it takes a man to marry one woman and love her for the rest of her life. So I propose (hold your cringe) three principles for finding her, which I used in finding my wife, the "one."
The first principle is "your people." After I decided that marriage was not for me, I started reading. I read three stories, from the Bible of all places, that gave clear indications of these principles in action. In two of these stories, it was clear to me that the first question I should ask myself was: who are my people? This was a profound question for me be because, after I decided on marriage, I started the typical look-here-and-there junk on these online matching sites. I met nice people, but no one seemed to share my lifestyle and identity. Some promised a way of matching me with others who are similar using a series of questions, but I found these to be not very helpful. A lifestyle and identity can not be firmly established with a list of questions. These are too dynamic, rich, and deep. So who were my people? For me, the answer was easy. I went to church, but even church has many different variations. I knew of the type and style of church with and around whom I wanted to be. I eliminated all other options, no web sites, no scenes, not even other churches; and within months, I found her.
The second principle is difficult: let someone go between. In all three stories, there was a person who went between the man and woman to "set things up." In the U.S., this would seem to be ludicrous thinking. I have suggested this to students in my class, and many of them deflect it with a sarcastic comment on how it will not work or whatever. Yet every time I challenge them on their relationships, they shut down with a frown or a grumble or a look of sorrow because most of them have stories of bad breakups or failed attempts. I smile inside myself because I know what I have. She is my soul mate, and I am not just saying that in that little cloud nine sort of way. (If you ever get to know us, you will know what I am saying.) I think of asking my students questions like: how much raw divorce data do you want me to show or how many failed relationships do you want to have before you are convinced that you do not know what is best for yourself. I mean there are too many emotions going on in this to think clearly often times. Having a clearheaded person who can go between you and look out for both of your best interests, including a potential break off, is what your need. It is what I needed, and it worked.
The third principle is patience. This is nothing new; most relationship advice posts have this point in it. All three stories I read indicated a clear principle of patience where either the man and the woman had to wait for the other. For me, I had a person who acted as the "go between" between my wife and I. He told me to wait one year before I could ask her on a date. One year before a first date are you kidding! Well, that sounds ridiculous as some have hinted at me with their criticisms. But I just said okay. The logic behind it was that, if I wanted her, I would wait. I did wait . . . one whole year. Then, I asked her out on a date. Then, guess what happened, she dumped me after 3 dates. So after waiting a year before I could ask her out on a date, she dumps me. REALLY!? But patience dictates that I keep waiting, which I did. I waited another 2 months or so and asked her out again. She said yes; and now, we are married with two kids. However, before marriage, she was a hard one to get. I had to keep waiting. I was ready to get married, but she held out until she was ready. She saved her heart until it was time. I asked her to marry me on New Year's Day, 2007. We are very permanent.
People, do not think lightly about these principles. They work. They are timeless is ways I never knew.
References
Divorce rate. (n.d.). Retrieved 11/19/12 from http://www.divorcerate.org/
